K

Well, gosh...

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 14:48:13 GMT

Hi there.

Boy, this is awkward.

I didn't call or anything.

I'm sorry...

Slut.

So, how is everybody? I'm fine, thanks. I can definitely say that the second year of college is better than the first. Exponentially better. Perhaps to the power of two. The point is, it's great. Through some formula of manipulation and devilry I've managed to get a class schedule that consists of all Tuesday/Thursday classes. Which means that I have no classes on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. Which means that today, Friday, is the first day of my four-day-weekend. Which means life is good. My classes are also a lot of fun. Especially HISTORY OF TELEVISION. That's right, I'm taking HISTORY OF TELEVISION. It's for my film minor, but in all my years, I have never heard of a more stereotypical college class than HISTORY OF TELEVISION. Even A.C. Slater took History of Televion on Saved by the Bell: The College Years, against the wishes of Mike, the former football player/registered sex offender. And it's sentences like that which make it perfect that I'm in HISTORY OF TELEVISION.

The fraternity is going well. I've been very involved this year and living in the house has been just incredible. Not in a partying way, though that's been fun, but the comfort of living around so many close friends is great. Though right now, it sucks. You see, we have Rush right now, and for those of you who don't know what that is, Rush is a formal process of meeting and talking to guys who want to join your fraternity and deciding whether or not to extend them an invitation to join. It's basically a week of flirting with guys, and it's really wearing me thin. Life has been a constant sausage fest since Sunday night, and I'm about done with it.

I'm also playing Rugby, which is the most incredible sport ever invented by God and/or Craig T. Nelson. I've been playing for about three weeks, and it's proven to be one of the most challenging, tiring, kick-ass activities I've ever been involved with. There's something about the attitudes of Rugby players that is just great. They can kick the living shit out of each other for 80 minutes straight, bleeding and spitting hate and rage all over each other, and when the game ends, everyone goes to the bar and sings. Outstanding.

Anyway, I've got a long day of no responsibilities or plans whatsoever, so I'm gonna go. But it's been fun, we should do it again sometime.

End of the month, time to update...

Mon, 31 May 2004 22:03:21 GMT

Argh.

Got the wisdom teeth out.

Argh.

The problem is that, for a while, it was fine. The drugs were GREAT, I felt nothing, and just sat around doing nothing. But they put me on some new drugs, and they don't work as well, and also happen to make me nauseous. SOOOOOO, I can't take them, SOOOOO my jaw hurts, SOOOOOO I also have a terrible headache as a result.

But at leat I've watched 10 episodes of Law and Order in a row. God bless TNT.

I saw Day After Tomorrow Yesterday Night... Tomorrow Today Day Before Tomorrow Today Yesterday. It was pretty good, impressive end of the world flick. Two things would have made it better: 1. The next Ice Age is a threat enough to humanity. They really didn't need wolves chasing Donnie Darko around. 2. Randy Quaid should have starred instead of Dennis, and he should have flown his jet into a tornado yelling "Up Yours!!!!" and saved the world.

Just a thought.

And it's still true...

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 03:32:10 GMT

Go into your LJ's archives
Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
Post the text of that sentence along with these instructions.

Mine said:

"I've always felt that if I look deep enough inside my own soul, there would be a Japanese Pirate staring back at me."

Damn straight.

Yeah... I'll make HER coconut radio... wait, what?

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 05:01:32 GMT

Who will you be stuck with at end of time? by chi_a_baidh
Your name is
Your sex is
Your favorite color is
You are stuck there because	you escaped a nuclear war
For _____ years	78
With
He/She will think you are	horny
You will	make a coconut radio

Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

SEAN PENN!!!!???

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 05:59:50 GMT

WHAT THE FUCK??!!!

HOLY SHIT!!! HAHAHAHA!!! MIDGETS!!!!

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 01:23:38 GMT

Ladies and Gentlemen, turn your dials to Fox every Monday night at 8:00 PM, for it's new dating show:

Are you ready for this?

"The Littlest Groom."

It's a Bachelor type show for Midgets.

God Bless America.

Mel Gibson has left the building...

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 07:04:34 GMT

Whoo. Here I am. It's been... a month? Maybe? Does it matter? No?

First, Mad Max is now officially... mad:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4224452/

I tell ya, you spend too much time around some guy dressed as Jesus you're bound to go wacky.

In other news, KEEEYREIST! I've been so bloody busy, and it's all because of Campus Movie Fest. What's Campus Movie Fest, you ask? Well, it may be the coolest thing I've ever done at college. A few years ago some Emory kids decided it would be cool to have a contest where groups of students could rent out Apple laptops and cameras and get one week to make a 5-minute film. The films would then be judged and measly prizes would be awarded to the winners. Well, Delta Airlines got wind of this and decided to sponsor it. So now it's huge. It's gone from just an Emory thing to a Georgia thing. People from Emory, UGA, GSU and all sorts of weird African colleges I've never heard of but would be knifed at if I went there are competing this year, and the prizes are insane. First prize just here at Emory is a round-trip airfare to anywhere in the country for everyone on the team. If you win that you compete with the other school's winners at an Awards Banquet at the Fox. I can only imagine what the First Prize is if you win there... but I can only hope it's an elephant... a big, purple elephant... with machine guns instead of tusks. My group's movie is awesome, but it took a lot of work. I spent a total of maybe 35-40 hours editing the damnation, and I'm more tired than shit. I'm planning on sleeping through this week and waking up next Saturday, so bon voyage.

Oh, and while we're on that Jesus theme (kind of), here's a short Haiku I wrote during my Dante Seminar:

Sweet Holy Jesus!
I am REALLY FUCKING BORED!
I need heroin!

Goonight.

And way out of left field...

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 07:48:09 GMT

I'm a frat boy now...

Odd, huh?

23

Tue, 23 Dec 2003 07:10:42 GMT

Just a number now, right?

Yeah, right.

Anyway, it's been a less than thrilling Holiday break so far. I did some shopping... in fact, I got ALL my shopping done (BOO YEAH! Take that fuckers). Which is good and fine, because as much as I love the season of Christmas, I hate shopping for Christmas. It's not that I hate the malls, and the people walking around them not knowing what the hell they are doing, and wandering like friggin' Moses to find a parking space, and... oh yeah, I do hate that stuff.

Hmmm.

I do love Christmas trees though. Something about them, all lit up and shiny and Vince Guaraldi's Charlie Brown theme playing in the background... good times.

Too sentimental?

Ok.

Try this:

I've been trying to wake up before twelve everyday for the past week. I can't. I don't know why. No matter when I went to bed the night before, I always end up sleeping 'til twelve. It's not that I mind sleeping in, it's just that I'd like to start the day in the actual morning. Oh well. We'll try again tomorrow, and we'll let you know.

To shift themes a bit...

Lists seem to be all the rage these days, at least for bored people with nothing to do but sit on their computer all day, so here goes:

TEN THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO FIND UNDER THE TREE COME THURSDAY, BUT WON'T:
1~ $100 million, tax-free.
2~ A Dukati.
3~ 17 pounds of Reese's Pieces.
4~ John Cleese in a snow globe.
5~ An Irish Accent.
6~ Rosie O'Donnel's severed head.
7~ Any sort of severed head, I suppose. That'd be kinda neat.
8~ Not really.
9~ An Ohliphaunt.
10~ A beach house in California.

Wasn't that fun?

Wow, Vegas Vacation is STILL on. Did you know Randy Quaid has been in 98 theatrical and made-for-TV movies? I bet less than five of them are bearable.

Anyway, it's far too late if I'm gonna make it before twelve tomorrow... today... whatever. Wish me luck.

F-f-f-finals!

Fri, 12 Dec 2003 08:13:45 GMT

JEEEEZZZZZZUSSS!!!

I am almost done with the first semester of college... think about that, my fellow freshmen, we are one eighth of the way done. ONE EIGHTH!!!! Damn, that's depressing. Seven more semesters and the real world comes and bites us in the ass. Unless we go to grad school. Or join the Marines. Anyway, I just finished my last paper for English and have my final final (hehe, see what I did there? I put the same words next to eachother because there meanings are different and it makes it awkward and mildly amusing to read) tomorrow. I'm going to stay here at good ol' Emory over the weekend and go home Tuesday, so that I can spend a few more days with my hallmates, especially since half of the AFA won't be back til much later this week.

In other news, a Chinese girl at my school accidentally lit herself on fire today.

No. I'm lying.

But that'd be funny, wouldn't it?

I watched Ben Stiller in the movie Heavyweights about six times today. Remember that movie? With all the fat kids? Ben Stiller is probably the funniest thing ever in that movie. Because he yells at the fat people.

Banners.

Oh yeah, I applied to the Container Store. Why? I like money, and I hear they have a lot to give out. I'm not sure what they do, though. Probably just contain stuff. Eli, make sure they hire me. I put your name on the application. And told them about your heroin addiction. No, wait, not the drug. That was a typo. I meant that I told them about your heroine addiction. Sure, Jane Eyre is a powerful woman, but you need to let her go.

Well that was pointless.

But at least it's giving YOU something to do.

Biotch.

And now, TO BED! Because my final isn't until 4:30 tomorrow afternoon, and I want to sleep for 12 straight hours so that I don't die.

Random lines of thought...

Thu, 27 Nov 2003 19:12:34 GMT

Happy Thanksgiving to all youse.

This year it is a rainy Turkey day, so I'll be spending it inside watching lots of TV...

as opposed to a sunny Turkey day, where I spend it inside watching lots of TV...

Why do they call it Turkey day anyway? And don't tell me because people eat turkey...

It sounds like we're celebrating the Independence of Turkey... and who wants to do that?

Ever since Turkey and Hungary have been around the poor people around the world have been subject to hundreds of thousands of bad puns.

Is this really a country we want to appreciate and welcome?

I bowled really well last night.

I mean, really well!

I got a 222.

SIX STRIKES IN A ROW!

If I were 70, I would have said it was the best day of my life.

But I'm not 70, so I'll just say it was really cool.

I just saw Bono on TV telling me to get tested for AIDS.

I just might... because Bono told me to.

Does anybody else prefer the cranberry sauce that is shaped like the can instead of the real kind?

Call me uncultured, but I like the can shape.

My mom got freaked out last night because she thought our cat had escaped outside and was dead or something.

Turns out he was sleeping in the closet.

Funny, huh?

Home Alone is on.

I miss Macaulay Caulkin.

I actually don't, but I felt it was the right thing to say.

Sort of like when you're at the funeral of someone you didn't like but you have to talk to his mother.

I guess... I've never been to a funeral like that, but it seemed like a good metaphor.

Simile. Good similie. Because I used "like."

Still raining outside.

I'm gona go.

There's way too much stuffing to eat to waste all day sitting here.

Talk to you all tomorrow.

Peace.

Lord, I'm coming home...

Tue, 25 Nov 2003 07:58:06 GMT

Tomorrow I'm going home (well, technically later today) for the longest amount of time since I moved away. It will be odd. It will be weird being in my old bed, being with my family, seeing my old friends. Not a bad weird, just... weird weird. So much, so fucking much has happened this semester, I just feel different. Not older, not more mature... DEFINITELY not more mature... but different. I really miss my friends, and it will be great seeing them, and having a quiet, private place to sleep will be good... but maybe it's like prison here at college- you just get used to it. I have not been myself lately, and there are reasons for that, and I'm sorry to those of you that I've been distant from... I haven't meant to be a crappy friend. I've just been... preoccupied, to say the least. On a lighter note, I can't wait to see IMAX this Friday and to spend every friggin' hour with the AFA. I'll see some of you very soon, and to the others, Happy Turkey Day.

"What if you fail?"... "I won't."

Wed, 05 Nov 2003 21:21:05 GMT

It's been almost 48 hours since I saw the final chapter of the Matrix trilogy, The Matrix Revolutions, and I'm still in awe. I don't think that more than five minutes have gone by without me thinking about some aspect of what the hell I just saw. It was, and excuse the pun, revolutionary. The Wachowski's ended their film series with finesse, beauty, and meaning, without selling out to the popcorn crowd and giving them a nice and easy Speak and Say ending with no loose ends and all questions answered. There is so much in this movie that I don't understand yet. There is philosophy galore, probably a bit of it in almost every line spoken in the movie. There are visual symbols as well that hold great meaning. And there is one scene in particular that I'm not ashamed to say moved me to tears. The realization of what Agent Smith is to Neo and how that can be tracked all the way back to the first film is religious. And seeing the attack on Zion, how tragically yet beautifully it unfolds is awesome, just awesome. There's a reason this movie was released right at the midst of the fall/winter movie season, and Reloaded was released in May. Reloaded was incredible, full of action that had never been seen before, and some shell-shocking ideas about the Matrix universe that were very unexpected. But Revolutions was something more. It was not a blockbuster, and it will not be liked by all. In fact, I stand to wager that many will hate it, and that makes it that much better. But to quote Morpheus, "what happened happened and could not have happened any other way." The ending represented what the Matrix is all about, and leaves so much that is not fully understood or explained, but the brilliant thing is that the characters don't fully understand it either. So you feel just like them, relieved, saddened, yet hopeful. There is one character that I think knows a lot more than the audience, but she, like always, is not letting on, at least not obviously. The long and the short of it is that I loved it. Though, I am horribly upset to see that universe disappear. I know that the Wachowski's are not like George Lucas, they will not go back and fuck up their legacy for more money. There will be no The Matrix: Episode 4. All that they leave is a series of the best movies ever made and a lot of questions. Questions that I and many others will be discussing and fighting over for years to come. But I am still sad to see it go. I am sad to see these characters disappear forever, these characters that I have come to love and worship just go away, like when you have to finally put down your favorite book and read something new. You know they will always be there for you to watch and analyze and love, but you know that they it won't be the same, it won't be like the first time you followed them through all their adventures, and you know that you won't ever see them again. I'm going to go now, though, because I don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't seen it and I want to see it again before I attempt to deliver any sort of in-depth talk about it.

"Everything that has a beginning has an end."

Tue, 04 Nov 2003 08:28:47 GMT

I am speechless...

Completely...

and Utterly...

Speechless.

Halloween and stuff...

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 04:46:37 GMT

Hello all. It's been a while since I a-went a-typing here. I had another performance of Midsummer tonight. It was the final preview performance, which means it was our last chance to fuck up hardcore. From now on, we can only fuck up soft core, so more genitalia starting tomorrow. But boobs are okay. Aren't they always?

Anyway, as Eli can attest from my half hour of bitching to him earlier, this play is very frustrating. Don't get me wrong. It's good. The acting is great, the set is really cool, and it's better than anything else I've ever been involved with before... but I want to kill everyone involved. First of all, the production crew is so friggin' redundant in their methods. We have so many rehearsals for the same bloody thing it's absurd. I've spent so many hours in rehearsals doing NOTHING. FOR HOURS! In fact, for my minor, total of 10 lines part, and the eight something others like me, have spent just as much time physically at rehearsal as the bigger roles. And as they say, "there are no small parts!" And as I say, "FUCK THAT!" There are small parts, and I have one, and I'm damn proud of it, so let me skip a damn rehearsal! Sorry. The big problem with this play is that Theatre Emory is pretty damn pompous when it comes to their shit. They're that type of theatre group that has to be different, that has to be "artsy," that has to do something to make them stand out. In short, Theatre Emory is a giant collection of Theatre People. And lo, do I hate theatre people. There is nothing worse than someone that studies theatre and wants to know everything about theatre and quotes plays and gets off on knowing more about the stage and has to dress like they have severe frontal lobe damage because they're making a statement. You know what I say? Fuck them. Let's see how knowing the order that Shakespeare wrote his plays and what O'Neil meant when he wrote about a bean burritto pays the bills later on in life. All you're going to do is A: fail at theatre and do something else, having wasted $120,000 on college, B: Teach theatre at a college, or C: Teach theatre at a high school. Me? I'll stick to acting and hating theatre people. Anyway, so my long-winded point is that Theatre Emory couldn't just do A Midsummer Night's Dream. They had to pep it up, had to get some new angle. So they decided to set it in corporate America. That's right, the lovers, Theseus and all those types are high level business men and women. And the mechanicals all work blue collar jobs. Okay, you may be saying, sounds interesting, how are they updating the faeries? Oh, wait, they don't. The fairies are still fairies, and thusly, not only did I spell fairies in two different ways in one line of text, the play now pulls at itself from both ends, one part updated, one part not, and so the entire thing is awkward. Also, they tried to choreograph far to much of the play. It seems so un-real, too dance-like, very annoying. I don't know. Only eight more performances left and I can finally have a life and do things that I've been meaning to do for two months now. Like buy a bread machine. And learn the salsa. And have my photograph taken with Harvey Keitel.

And furthermore, all of you are Halloween bastards. Brad, fuck you and your dead frog. Kelly, fuck you and your button. Eli, fuck you and your broken balloon. And Kristin, we're supposed to be a couple, yet you stole from me. 11 PIECES!!!! At least Scott Long gave me a gummy bear. It's not much, but hey, it was an effort.

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
kman_722 goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as A Giant Can of Alphabet Soup.
brandokay gives you 7 dark green cola-flavoured pieces of taffy.
gdblink gives you 14 brown apple-flavoured pieces of taffy.
kdlady825 tricks you! You lose 11 pieces of candy!
neoroom303 tricks you! You get a broken balloon.
rockinredhead9 gives you 5 green spearmint-flavoured wafers.
scottlong gives you 1 teal tropical-flavoured gummy bears.
subcolony gives you 10 light blue pineapple-flavoured gummy fruits.
vampireangelus tricks you! You get a dead frog.
vampireinlove gives you 10 light green banana-flavoured gummy bears.
vintagelemonade tricks you! You get a button.
kman_722 ends up with 36 pieces of candy, a broken balloon, a dead frog, and a button.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

So long and goodnight...

Ladies... Take Heed, and Obey.

Tue, 28 Oct 2003 04:11:07 GMT

Behold the most brilliant and most stupendous and most wonderful medical study ever performed:

http://www.theillustrator.com/CNN.com-StudyNewstudyshows.htm

hahahahahaha, this is great.

It's a Small World after HAAAAAAALH!!!

Sat, 25 Oct 2003 01:12:29 GMT

Wanna hear a strange coincidence/freak occurance/something really fucking nifty? Well, the dude who plays Bottom in the play and the lady that plays Titania are married. I was talking to Jim (Bottom) tonight about parents weekend and how my parents aren't coming because they live in Marietta and they can come whenever, when Jim says:

"Oh, we live in Marietta. What part do you live in?"

"East Cobb."

"REALLY? Us too."

"Huh. Where do you live around there?"

"Oh, near the intersection of Little Wileo and Timber Ridge..."

"No shit? That's where I live too... what neighborhood?

"Lake Fjord."

"Fuck. That's my neighborhood!"

Not only that my friends, but they are in fact my NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS!!!! Our fence goes right up to their property. Eli, you know the blue house with the flat roof that rain water sits on and you wondered how they get that off of there? That's there house. Oh, and he uses a broom.

So, things that are cool.

Later.

Well, I think we've all learned something by this...

Wed, 22 Oct 2003 01:50:26 GMT

What Irrational Number Are You?

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<tr [...] ;>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<div align="center"><table style="border-style: solid; border-width: 1px; border-color: #006666; border-collapse: collapse;" width="400" cellpadding="4"><tr><td style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font: 110%; font-weight: bold; color: #FFFFFF; background: #066d98; text-align: center;" border="1">What Irrational Number Are You?</td></tr><tr style="color: black ; background: #DDDDDD; font: 10pt;";><td style="color: black ; background: #DDDDDD; font: 10pt;";><div style="text-align: center; font: bold 12pt; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman', 'Times Roman', Times, serif;">You are π</div><p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', 'Times Roman', Times, serif;\ color: black; font: 10pt;"><div style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', 'Times Roman', Times, serif; color: black; font: 10pt;">Of all the irrational numbers, you are the most famous. You have many friends and fans. Like many people, non-Euclidean geometry makes you feel uncomfortable. You are involved in so many things that it seems like it would take two of you to make ends meet.<p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', 'Times Roman', Times, serif;\ color: black; font: 10pt;">You are particularly close to the rational number 22/7. However, you and <em>e</em> have been called "remarkable."<p style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', 'Times Roman', Times, serif;\ color: black; font: 10pt;">Your lucky number is approximately 3.14159265</div></td></tr><tr style="color: black ; background: #DDDDDD;"><td style="color: black ; background: #DDDDDD;"><table width="100%"><tr><td align="left"><a href="http://www.shinylemur.com">Shiny Lemur</a></td><td align="center"><form action="http://www.shinylemur.com/modules.php?name=Irrational_Numbers" method="post" style="margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0;"><input type="submit" value="Take the Quiz!"></form></td><td align="right"><a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/straif/">Straif's Blog</a></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></div>

A Flaw in ESOL...

Tue, 21 Oct 2003 04:47:13 GMT

Boy, do I love soup. There's nothing better when it's chilly outside and you're hungry and there's a nice warm bowl of soup waiting for you.. MMMMMMMMMMM...

Anyway, I made an observation this evening and I have decided to get to the bottom of it.

Do you ever notice how Asians, mainly those that moved from there respective countries as kids and had to assimilate and learn the language, have a very interesting quirk when speaking? Everything they say is a question... everything is friggin' interrogative.

TOKEN ASIAN #1: 'Scuse me? Do you have a dollar?

ME: Umm, no.

TOKEN ASIAN #2: Why do you want a dollar San-So? It is late? We have food in the room? You don't need a candy bar?

TOKEN ASIAN #1: Because I am hungry? For a Snickers? Yeah?!? Koo-Chow? Where are you going?!? KOOO-CHOOOW!??

TOKEN ASIAN #2: I have homework? And class tomorrow? You know? Hahaha?

ME: God dammit, shut up.

So this got me curious. Why do they all speak in questions? Well, my friends, this may interest you. I did a little google search and discovered that after the internment camps and asian prejudice during and after World War II, there was a mass movement by The Woman's Education Movement to teach all these Asians english, so that they could enter our society easier and with less oppression. However, Harry S Truman (the S stands for stromboli) did not have the ability to print out perfect english textbooks for these ready and able immigrants. He was forced to print english textbooks printed with all question marks. You see, declarative periods, imperative periods, and exclamation points were very scarce following the second World War, as a good two thirds of them were lost in the D-Day invasion of Normandy. Question marks, however, were not allowed to fight in the war, and stayed home, taking the jobs of the fighting periods and points. When the remaining punctuations returned after the war was over, they expected their old jobs back. Why not? They fought for their country. So millions of Question marks were now unemployed, seeking work and acceptance. They found this acceptance with the now English speaking asian culture, and they embrace the question mark at the end of all their sentences to this very day.

And that, my friends, is why we celebrate Kwanzaa.

A Quick Question to all Youse...

Thu, 16 Oct 2003 23:01:42 GMT

I'm on break at rehearsal, but I had this thought:

If you had to give up one body part, which one would it be, and why?

I decided that I would give up my torso. I mean, who really needs it. All I need are legs, arms, and a head. Sure, I'd look a little weird, but think of the benefits:

1) I'd weigh a lot less and never have to worry about them pesky love handles.

2) There'd be none of those pesky internal organs to give me trouble.

3) I'd save SOOOO much money on shirts.

But I'm curious, what would you guys give up? Please send your answer with a $1 processing fee to the following address:

Kyle "Awesome... really, he's awesome" Morich
c/o The "Kyle's Hungry and Needs Money for the Vending Machines" Fund
2222 Zimbabwae Drive
Artichokeville, Nebraska 8007938483027363485936#$&@*$

SHIT YEAH!!!

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 03:47:19 GMT

This is the best thing ever.

And, further proof that I am in fact me.

You are KYLE!

Which AFA member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Take it fuckers. Take that chicken.

Quick 'n Easy, Japanesy...

Sun, 12 Oct 2003 07:36:34 GMT

Well, it was a night at the movies for me tonight. I'm in Charleston, but oddly enough, Kristin isn't (she has a retreat tonight she has to be at), so I had pretty much nothing to do. So, being alone in a city I've only been to a few times with no friends around, I decided to go catch a movie. I got to the movies, and I said, "Hell, let's make it two." So I saw Sofia Coppola's Lost in Translation and Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill. Both had very Japanese centralized themes, yet they were two entirely different movies. And since I have nothing better to do, I'll review both of them.

I'll start with the second film I saw tonight,

Kill Bill: Let me start by saying that I love Tarantino. Not just because his movies are fucking awesome and gory and raw and curse-word-ridden and everything in between, but because he can take all that gunk I just described and shove a fucking story into it. And a good story at that.

I won't go into plot points, because the movie has only been out for two days and I'm sure a good portion of you haven't seen it, and I would definitely hate to spoil it for you. But basically, Uma Thurman is an ex-assassin who was hit by her old teammates: The four other members of the Deadly Viper gang, and their ring-leader, Bill. They think they kill her, on her wedding day, no less, but Uma comes back, four years later, wanting revenge. And does she get it.

This was, as it has been hyped, probably the most violent movie I have seen. Ever. But don't let that scare you. The delivery is excellent, and no killing seems useless or excessive, no matter how much artery-slicing goodness is presented. Let me raise an example. There is a scene wherein the lovely Lucy Liu slices off a man's head. Following the slicing off of the aforementioned head, a large amount, well, let's say, a tsunami of blood erupts from the man's neck. This was fine, but according to the very large black woman behind me, "OOOOOH SHOOOOO, AIN' NO WAY DAT MUCH BLOOD COME OUTTA MAN'S NECK!!! AIN' NO WAY, CHILD!!!" I'll address this here in a calm, collected manner whereas in the theater had I addressed the statement directly, I would have said, "Please don't speak, Miss Baluga. Ever Again. Or I will destroy you." First of all, I have never chopped off or seen the chopping off of a man's head. I have never known anyone who has chopped off or seen the chopping of of a man's head. Therefore, I have no idea how in the hell a human being's neck would bleed sans head. Would the blood sickly trickle out, or would it fling four feet into the air for a few seconds? I don't know. And maybe Tarantino didn't know either. But he pretended that he knew, and the blood flew from that neck. What does this mean, black lady? That Tarantino isn't fucking around with us. He's not bending over for the censors, and he's not bullshitting his audience. He goes so far with the violence that you have to believe it's real, because there's just no way it can't be. You'll understand once you see it.

But the question is, what's behind the violence? Because even Steven Segal can make a violent movie, that doesn't make it good. Kill Bill had everything that made a Tarantino film a Tarantino film: the snappy dialogue, the sharp plot, the amazing soundtrack... but what I personally loved about it was his great use of dichotomy throughout the film. First of all, with killing. Why do we, the audience, accept Uma Therman killing almost 100 people throughout film as an appropriate thing, as a deserved thing, as a good thing, but feel loathing and disgust from the Deadly Viper gang's attempted killing of Uma and the killing of her entire wedding party? All the deaths are deaths, yet they are different, because Uma wants revenge, and the Viper gang had some unknown reason for killing, but that reason must be bad, because the gang is bad, and Bill is bad, but Uma is good, right? Or is she, because she is an assassin, or at least used to be an assassin, so how is she a good guy? And the simple fact of the matter is that she isn't a good guy. This is what makes the movie so fun. Because everyone loves revenge, no matter what kind of decent, hard-working, honest and loving person you are, deep down we all know how good and sweet revenge is. The opening of the movie begins with a quote, saying, "Revenge is a dish best served cold." Where did this hard-hearted quote come from? From Kilngon. Fucking Star Trek. Love of revenge comes from all facets of our culture and lives, which is why we root for Uma. Tarantino is so good at this. He is so good at taking bad guys and humanizing them, relating them to you and me so that we love them. We want Steve Buscemi to get away at the end of Reservoir Dogs. He laugh and applaud the actions of Sam Jackson and John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. Tarantino is amazing at doing this to us. Because he could write another movie featuring Lucy Liu's character of O-Ren or Michael Madsen's Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs and the characters we cheered for (Uma in Kill Bill, Tim Roth in Reservoir Dogs) would suddenly be the bad guys, and we would support the characters we once hated. This is distinctly Tarantino, and Kill Bill is no exception.

As far as the movie being split in Volume One and Volume Two, when I first heard of this Weinsteinian abomination, I was not happy. But it worked once I saw the movie. The ending didn't cut off in mid thought, leaving me almost annoyingly anxious to find out what happens next like the end of Reloaded in a classic cliffhanger, but more like the season finale of a television show, where there is some resolution and some questions left, but nothing that's gonna drive you crazy if you have to wait a few months to find out the rest of the story.

Besides that, everything is outstanding. The cinematography, the soundtrack, the acting, and JESUS, the choreography. Yuen Wo-Ping delivers again, and once again, the precision and flow of it all is hypnotizing. But I can't even begin to describe these things. You have to see it to understand.

Lost in Translation: This is that movie that you see and almost don't want to talk about with anybody, because seeing it is like being told a really great secret by a really great friend. Lost in Translation was the first movie I saw tonight, and it was well needed. I was not having a particularly good evening. Kristin wasn't around, I had no friends to go to, nothing familiar to fall back on in a foreign town, I just had myself and all I felt was loneliness and a disconnection from my surroundings. Now, I know that these particular emotions could influence my perception of the movie, but take my word for it, this movie will affect you no matter what mood you are in. But I get ahead of myself.

The story centralizes around two characters that start out as perfect strangers and become amazingly good friends. Not just with each other, but with you as well. You start out knowing nothing about Bill Murray's Bob and Scarlett Johansson's Charlotte, and by the end of the movie, they are a part of you, you love them, and you don't want to see them go. This is the first thing that stood out about this film. It isn't enough for Sofia Coppola to just paint this portrait of these people and this country and what happens in it. She somehow enables the audience to feel exactly how her characters feel. You know what Charlotte is thinking about when she stares out her window. You know what Bob means when he smiles in that way. Your eyes water when the characters depart at the end because you know you will never, ever see them again and even if you do, you know in your heart of hearts that nothing will ever come close to how it felt the first magical time you met them. That is how powerful this movie is.

I'm not going to go deeply into the plot, because the plot isn't important. Bill Murray plays an aging actor who travels to Japan partly because he's getting paid $2 million to do a whiskey commercial and partially because he needs to get away from his life, in a classic mid-life crisis fashion. Scarlett Johansson plays a young yale graduate who follows her photographer husband to Japan on a photo shoot. The first forty minutes of the movie are uniquely striking. Random shots of the two characters interacting with the alien Japanese culture when they are outside their hotel. But when inside the hotel, be it bar, gym, or room, we see inside them. We see dissatisfaction, we see a bemused resignation to the way things are but some small piece of them still fighting for happiness and fulfillment. Bob and Charlotte do not meet until the movie is almost halfway over, and to be truthful, neither does the audience. Because until they meet, there is no discussion from either of them about how they feel. There is sympathy, but no complete understanding. However, once you do meet them, everything changes. There is a heartfelt love between them, not a hackneyed lustful love, but a strong friendship love that you wouldn't dare vulgarize with sex or strong affection, because it would ruin the connection you already have. The thing about Lost in Translation is that I can't really explain it. I know that is such a cliched thing to say, but that's about it. SEE THIS MOVIE. It will change the way you feel about life, and friendship, about everything, at least for a while. There is this one part at the end when Bill Murray is leaving for his flight back to the U.S. and he and Scarlett share this intimate and poignant goodbye. Murray whispers something something to Scarlett, something that Coppola doesn't allow the audience to hear. All you see is a smile from each of them, watered eyes, and subsequent departures. The thing is, you know those characters so well and love them so much that you know exactly what was whispered. Thing is, it's gonna be something different for everyone. But you will know exactly what was said. That's why I loved this movie, and that's why you will too.

Well, enough artsy critic stuff for me, it's 3:30 and I'm going to bed.

OH YEAH!

Thu, 09 Oct 2003 04:18:30 GMT

I almost forgot. Apparently, this Kerry person with whom with I have never spoke, nor met, nor laid eyes upon wanted a Haiku.

So here you go Mystery Person.

This is for Kerry.
It's a Haiku, but it sucks
Cuz I don't know you.

I hope that was as enlightening as it is cynical.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-NOLLLLD!

Thu, 09 Oct 2003 04:15:45 GMT

The great Conan, the wonderous Terminator, the Twin that Wasn't Danny DeVito is now running the state with the 5th largest economy in the world. How do I feel about this?

I think it's fantastic.

There is no mental image more hilarious to me than Mister Universe running California. It's outstanding. But I think the real respect should go to all those other obviously qualified candidates that did not win. To see this big ol' list o' winners, click here:

http://www.sfgate.com/gate/special/pages/2003/recall/

It's quite interesting. Especially Joel Britton. This Independent candidate from Los Angeles listed his former occupation as "Retired Meat Packer." I don't know, but that's the kinda of man I want running my state, hell, my country. I want a man that knows his meat.

Moving on...

I HATE UNIONS. Ok, not THE Union, but UNIONS. Like Actors Unions. Like the Actors Equity Association. God dammit. I had rehearsal tonight for five hours. We ran all the scenes with the mechanicals in them, which is about four or five scenes. The way I logically would like to rehearse would be to do one scene, figure everything out with that, and then move on to the next, taking a break in between if needed. But no, we must take a ten minute break every hour and a half, regardless of where we are. Is this not absurd? Maybe it doesn't seem that way, but there was one time when the director was just about to explain where I should go to exit the scene when the stage manager said, and I quote, "Wait a minute, we'll have to do that later, it's time for break." Sigh. That's why I'm glad Arnold's in office. We need a man like him to straighten out them unionized bastards. Man that would be quite a negotiation...

ARNOLD: YOU MUST STAAAHHHP WITH AHHLLL THE WHINNEE BRAAAKES!! YOU AAARE AHN IMBARRAHHSMENT TOOO YOOOOR CAAHNTRY!!!

ACTORS: But we need coffe, and tea, and juice, and water, and Red Bull, and fresh guava, when we will get these vital items without breaks?

ARNOLD: FAAAAAAAAHHHCK YOOOR GWWAVA!

ACTORS: And what about getting into character, and researching my characters background, and deciding how my character feels when another actor farts onstage and why he feels that way, how will we prepare?

ARNOLD: WHHEN I DOO MOOOVIES, AAAY DOHN'T DOOO THAAHT CRAAHP! I GRAAHB MY GUN AAHND/OR SINBAD AHHND I AAHCT!!! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

*Arnold kills every actor ever. Even Parker Posy.*

ARNOLD: THAAHT'S RIIGHT! NOW I WILL EEET MY TAFFFY, BECUZ I AM A MAAHN THAAHT ENJOYS HIS TAFFY!

And so on, and so forth, until Arnold has killed everyone, and he roams the earth with a cheetah and a sword in search of justice and truth and a wider neck.

That's about all I've got, it's been a slow week.

Haiku Klux Klan

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 19:03:02 GMT

Well Eli, you've got me doing it now.

I was bored in English (GASP!) and decided to pen some Haikus.

Teacher is a kraut.
"Nein! I do not speak English!
Yet I still teach it!"

I had no breakfast.
My stomach's eating itself.
I need Taco Bell.

NO MORE DICKINSON!
If she were alive today
I would kill her dead.

Shasta McNasty.
That was a good God damn show
God Bless UPN.

Paying attention?
No, Teacher. I'm jerking off!
Please excuse my mess.

Fifty minutes left
In this God-forsaken class.
I wish I were dead.

I hate William Byrd.
Fuck him and Dividing Lines
Virginian Bastard!

I miss Dave Coulier.
That Jack-o-Lope thing was great.
Full House should return.

There's a girl in class.
She thinks her shit does not smell.
Her name's Diana.

I hate Diana.
If you knew this Diana
You would hate her too.

I want a Fanta.
Well, I want the Fantanas,
But Fanta will do.

Fuck! In this Haiku
I will say "Fuck" seven times.
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Well, that was all useless, thanks for putting up with it.